Diary Entries

Just finished writing my 1st song in God knows when and I love how my brain channels art and creativity! Especially when I don't force anything to flow, it just does!

A lot of times I overthink my creativity b/c I worry too much about outside voices and what they could say, but when does that help anyone and anything? It doesn't!

Gonna make some throw away songs just to get my pen(cil) wet again lol. Just tryna get back to mi roots yuhhhh :).

Took me so long to get to working on my neocities site, but I'm finally making good progress on it and am throughly satified thus far!

I taught myself to code with SheCodes and I def see how much progress I've made thus far so I think it was a good $75 well spent mhmm.

Haven't had this much creative fun in awhile and thats what happens when you create for yourself and not the outside world and when you don't center profiting off of your hobbies #fuckcapitalism!

Disney use to have such good soundtacks for their movies that were sooooo inspirational and now they have a few good songs and everything else is just...

Like that Tarzan and Hercules soundtrack still gets play time front to back like bring back good Disney soundtracks plzzzz :(

A goal of mine is to be apart of a Disney soundtrack that stands the test of time and is very inspirational to all that listen. I want ppl to cry when they hear my song like I do when I listen to Go The Distance or You'll Be In My Heart frfr.

Today is a solar eclipse and a new moon in leo and that makes it my lunar return and I literally had such a day it's like I love when astro checks out, but at the same its like DAMN.

My developing crush got exposed for some shit and it's like I'm always grateful when the Univese shows me the truth b/c that's what I always ask for....but FUCK THAT SHIT HURTEDDDDD!

But on the brightside, I've been given a choice to either keep developing the crush or to detach from it and I have gratitude for that bc sometimes we don't recogize that we always have options, we just need to be aware of them. Based off of what we choose it reveals things about our inner self worth, morals, and more and I appreciate going through those realizations.

I love the insight of knowledge that come to me at the right time. I realize parts of myself that have always been there for me to acknowledge, it's just about giving attention towards that thing.

I wanna stop subconsciously feeding my fears. Fears of failures, of success, of help, of stagnation. I self sabatoage to cause one of these things or all to manifest, and then become confused on getting a result that I wasn't aware I was aligning with.

Yes it sounds pathetic and the action is but I am not. I have the ability to stop these patterns of habits at anytime I see fit, the true question is once I am aware of these habits, do I care enough to stop letting them get in my way or do I choose to now be aware of my limitations and fail by them?

I am fine asf and I no longer have any shame about that. Maybe it's b/c I had my lunar return in leo or this solar eclipse, but literally I spent a good part of my life dimming myself to make others feel "safe" enough to share theirs and I am so done.

I am knowledgeable, I have an charismatic personality, and I am gorgeous beyond measure and none of those are based in what society tells me about myself, but what I have affirmed myself to be and no one can take that away from me.

I don't have to hide that from anyone simply b/c their egos can't handle that. That burden isn't mine to hold anymore and it wasn't mine to hold to start off with. God had their fun making me and who am I to deny Their artwork to be shown bc others can't find God within themselves? That's pathetic and disrespectful on both ends.

Filmed a youtube video today after it's been so long since creating content like that and I really just desire to approach this the most authentic that I can be.

I used to have a channel that did fairly well when I was consistent, but overtime it felt very performative and I was too focused on views and engagement and it felt like I was doing it to please others rather than creating a safe space for myself.

Now I don't care about anything else but creating a space for me to exist authentically and safely w/o worry of what others have to say towards me. I'm probably going to have my comments off my videos too just so it really feels like I'm creating these videos for me and not for the outside world to have an opinion on. As an Aquarius Lilith, how can I create for the world first and me second when I know that the world will reject me at one point or another?

I love going on long walks and just exploring my music taste, it gives me the best of both worlds!

There's these two big trees that I always make sure to give a hand kiss to everytime I start my walks and it makes me feel like I am entering into a new reality or a different world lol.

Doing that and going on a calorie deficit helped me lose 25lbs and I always use these times as a way to create new ideas and reflect on thoughts I've had for the day, plus I get to be immersed in nature, so I'm just happy and grateful to be able to walk whenever I want to ♡.

Omg Babygirl-Ravyn Lenae ft. Doechii is my fav song rn like I'm mad I didn't write that shit myself LMAO. I feel like people really forget about the art of songwriting and that song captures something on a soul level I resonate so much with.

The act of being in between the old and the new, having one foot in the 3D and the other in the 5D, the faltering between complete faith and doubt it's like yes I feel seennnn.

It's like I always wonder what is waiting for me, having to understand all that I've left behind, choosing the unconventional path, and what comes along with all that. But like she said, you could never be wrong if you don't go where everybody goes b/c how are any of those people going to tell you what's right for you if they're just following someone else and not themselves and their soul? It's scary but freeing and that's all I desire to be. Free and me.

Insecurities are so interesting bc they sneak up at the most random of times. I find them to exist when we are too much in our ego and not connected to our souls enough.

Sometimes it's not enough to say these thoughts aren't real, but instead to interrogate where they may be coming from. Most of the time, it comes from societal trends and fetishes and once you sit in that it becomes wayyyy easier to have less of them.

Unfortunately, society makes it feel impossibe to be human and to appreciate all the aspects of us, so instead of being able to celebrate our differences w/o ego, we play the comparison game where everyone loses :(. Remind yourself that you are 1 of 1 in a bigger collective and if you didn't specifically exist the way you are, then the world can't evolve. How can you be yourself when you are constantly comparing your soul to someone else?

Did my nails today and my gawdddd I really be needing my nails done in order to feel put together.

Idk if it's a mercurial thing, but I need my nails done and my hands well taken care of at any time, even if that means an easy clean up and top coat. I just feel well put together and organized and it just helps me go through the rest of my to-do list with ease.

I started at 4pm and ended at 1:30am but I'm not even mad bc I did a full polygel set with nail designs and charms and I wanted to take my time so my retention stays for at least a month. I was watching Ghost Stories while I did it and man that shit is funny asf it's like an anime south park lol. Haven't had long nails in a while either so imma def enjoy these until they overstimulate me LMFAO.

It's crazy that healing really means that you return to the childlike version of yourself that existed before society got it's hands on your soul.

I find that getting back into my old interest really help me heal the parts of me that I hid from others outta saftey. Growing up as a quirky kid in the hood meant parts of me had to stay hidden just so I wouldn't hear about it later on. I find that healing from that means apologizing to that version of myself I was too ashamed to express, while also giving grace to myself bc I thought I was helping the situation in the moment. I just didn't want to be bullied anymore.

Now that I'm coming back to those things, parts of me regret even letting these things fall to the waste side to begin with, especially if they are trendy now. Staying in that energy helps no one so I don't, but it reminds me that being different has it's harsh moments, but overall it's authentic for me to be so why wouldn't I be with full authority and energy?

I just created my first song today and learned how to produce it as well and something within me is so fuckin proud of myself.

Honestly, it's a full circle moment bc I started off singing and got into all my other talents from there, but it was also the first thing I put down when I started feeling imposter syndrome about my talents. Now years later, I'm creating my own song and producing it as well and it's like this is exactly what my inner child dreamed about and I know she's thankful I am returning back to them ♡.

The track is called Til Death Do Us Part and I found this good ass beat on youtube to flow with it and it's funny bc the demo I made was def going in a different direction and then I lower the key, added some harmonies, and some how that shit turned into Nickleback on piano joint and ian even mad about it lol. I've always had an expansive music taste from classical to funk to hard core rock to hip hop so I feel like I need to just embrace that instead of questioning what people will think of my identity being a black caribbean gurl from east new york playing around with genres. Music is music and as long as it is channeled well and with respect, it deserves to be heard.

Internalized expectations of what other people percieve your life to be will leave you annoyed at the external and internal and what good does that do you?

I know that my family is waiting for me to be just like my mother in unconscious ways. Waiting on me to go to corporate amerikkka and sit in a cubicle for 8hrs a day to be micro managed by people who are way less qualify, making pay that barely pays the bills, and live a life that I will look back at with resentment and regret b/c I realized that if I had just said no more I could be where my visions told me I could be. It is what is expected of me being the only daughter of the eldest, but that is never going to happen. I never want to limit myself to a life I never imagined just so I don't trigger others by going after my true dreams.

I've lived parts of my life disappointing others and other times disappointing myself and only one of those things actually feel liberating. I choose myself forever b/c I know that I am not doing it out of ego. When I burnt out for the first time, it made me realize that I can't blame anyone for what happens to me if I push myself past my limits. While everyone expects you to do so, b/c they never explicitly said to do that, blaming them will bring about nothing. If I go out the same way as my mother, they'll chalk it up to the 3D reason and not the 5D. That's why I have to keep disappointing others b/c why do they feel like they have the authority to tell me the best way to live my life when they are still trying to survive theirs?

Allowing myself to enjoy my hobbies is something that is new to me b/c I be feeling like I have to earn access to those things by doing work instead of just using those things to enjoy the day more.

I feel like this eclipse season has shown me that this life is meant to be enjoyed through the lil creative nudges we get and shedding the belief that work has to be so matrix like. Especially knowing that I am meant to lead a very creative life, leading a life that goes agaisnt that, and even more so feeling guilty about it, distrupts that whole process and makes it so the work that I've done becomes meaningless.

Each day I've been tapping into my hobbies/crafts that make me feel more like myself from scrapbooking to creating music and there should be no guilt in that b/c that's how Source created me to be. That's what They seek my soul to express, so who am I not to do exactly that? I believe it's b/c I am breaking so many generational wounds and so when they reveal themselves, I have to sift through the emotions, clean them off, and heal them so that I can move forward to my highest timeline. It's what I deserve!

Consistency beats out fear everytime. Fear comes from not knowing where the next step will take you, but when you are consistent, you have faith that taking the next step will bring you to where you are meant to be anyways.

I am learning to switch discipline to devotion bc it does change something for my soul. When I show up for myself, it means that I am devoted to myself, my path, and the faith that I have in above all. When I use the word devotion, it comes to me the same as surrendering, which is something that I am learning to do everyday.

There are steps that we can take everyday to show how devoted we are to the change we seek to make for ourselves. Those are built in the lil nudges we get to move farther along in a certain project or thought, and more so, those reveal the steps we are so scared to take in the first place. You can't ask for clarity and then when you recieve it, choose to be confused or do away with it. Fear is a man made thing. It comes from a lack of faith. It comes from wanting to have absolute control. 10 times out of 10, the plan that you envison for yourself only displays a limited view of the entire timeline you are meant to exist in. Be grateful that you can see it in the first place, but remind yourself that it isn't the end.

Fuck it you just gotta do it! That's the new mindset that I am developing after this lunar eclipse.

I just feel like the main thing I need to do rn is move with intention and also just do. There's a balance that comes with that in making sure that I am not just doing things w/ no direction, but at the same time, making sure that I am not overthinking my actions and just move forawrd with the nudges that I get.

Reading old journal entries lemme know that this is what I have been always working towards and I just needed to catch up with my own words to make them truth. A lot of shifted in my life simply b/c I professed for it to do so, so why can't I do more? My life has changed b/c I said it would and just b/c it hasn't look like the way I envisioned it doesn't mean that that was the final vision. Keep on doing the work to change and you will see the fruits of your labor is plentiful!

It's daunting to be the first to do something, even if it's as simple as dreaming of a world better than yesterday.

Build Me Up by Cleo Sol has stuck with me for a long while now. I first listened to the song after going to a dance performance and hearing it brought tears to my eyes, especially b/c the performance centered around the theme of the matriarchy and I decend from one myself.

Sometimes the biggest step for us to take is dreaming of a better tomorrow. The people of the past have done it over and over again even when they were faced with darkness, so why can't you? Things are only delusional when no one knows how to make it come true. A light bulb was simply an idea at first and then it materialized into something that we couldn't live without, but before that thought came to be, oil lamps were the greatest invention ever. Things are always changing and creating evolution and we shouldn't be scared of that simply b/c it starts off as an abstract idea.

I am not responsible for the limited minds of others.

That is the biggest realization that I have w/ the people I use to be around. The limited mindsets that they have have nothing to do with me nor is my responsibility to change. It also means that I can't blame them for not seeing my visions.

A bird born in a cage sees flying as an illness. A human born w/o freedom sees the possibility of it as just a dream. Old DNA codes, survival mode, and environments I believe are reasons the matrix is as strong as it is. The inability to see what reality is and can be destroys the future. Sometimes getting these things to change takes more indirect actions than direct. Sometimes you need to be the change you wish to see in the world to get others to be the same thing. It ain't all about you, the collective needs to shift too.